Darkness


I too forget, when frozen, my own freedom and ability to manifest. I simply also seem to forget who I am, what I know, what I can do, my creative skills. I forget to go inside. And outside, I wander too far into reason where real and true insanity reigns and simply get lost.

Fear takes over and replays something I know I need to understand in the present moment. I realize, in these frantic moments where I am lost and can’t seem to find calm or serenity, that there is a treasure for me. Something to learn, that apparently, I haven’t still, because otherwise this horror movie wouldn’t be playing out starring me as lead character. I try then to separate past experience to this one occurring now and try to find similarities. It is much like unwrapping a gift, although it is an uncomfortable one.

Reflecting upon the nuisance of opportunity to grow, soul growth, I wonder why it is so inconvenient, why is growth a nuisance? I remember when I was a kid, and my limbs grew, and it caused so much physical pain. Growing pains, we call it. Today everyone seems to agree that when something hurts- it acts as a messenger that you need to be wary and remove yourself from the cause of pain. But there is not one truth to pain. Healing pains is another. Curing something may well cause the initial pain, that inflicted you. So, when something present causes an old wound to hurt again, it may well be because you are gifted a chance to heal or because you have been working your way through it and it is leaving your system, perhaps even in the same way it got there, simply by changing your reaction to the hurt and the wounding.

It sounds so easy, and it is not. Not until you have the awareness to realize perhaps through endless attempts to heal, where you call back your own projections and that means realizing that you have been blind to your own doings and actions. It’s as simple as that.

I recently realized that as long as I hid behind the role I had played out since my childhood as meddling and fixing everyone who were hurting, projecting, and fighting around me, so I could breathe and be myself, I would believe in the illusion, that that is my function here. That I am only loved because of my therapeutic skills to help other people heal. So as long as I can fix other people I am needed in this world.

Seems silly perhaps, but those deep patterns are really hard to shake, because you have to be really sharp, to catch it in action and not blame the outside events in your life for its occurrence. It is a full time awareness job, to live with the awareness that everything IS a mirror to you. If something triggers you, that trigger is YOURS and you have NO business trying to argue your way out of the fact that it is. And it is your job to heal where it hurts, because nothing and no one will or can do that for you.

When you do catch it, the opportunity to change is your gift. It is not a curse as you may think. It is just the illusion you still are plugged into, that life has to be a certain way to be right or perfect, or successful. And I am here saying the more hurts you heal through this life, the more successful it has been. And the illusion of being perfect comes from the paradigmatic cultural brainwash that we all in some way too long have been buying into, that we need to contribute to being productive and all do our share to this … unbelievably uncreative way we live on Earth (but that’s for another post). And that means there is no time to be unhappy or take the time to be unhappy and heal. We feel shameful for not being happy or joyful all the time. Feeling dark emotions is bad, and it is something we should stop doing at any cost and as soon as possible. No one likes being around people who are in a bad place, but I honestly believe it is because people are afraid of those dark places, because we don’t know how to deal with it or be with it. It is scary. It is unpleasant.

It is also denying a very essential part of life that is natural and thus we cannot come into full balance with ourselves, with our environment and our lives if we are unable to be with dark emotions and dark times in ourselves. It is the veery key to healing and living a successful and whole life. And in essence it is the very part of the joy and happiness we all wish to experience.

Unconditional love is loving without judging, expectation, wanting something that is not etc etc. How can this be in your life if it doesn’t start with yourself? And being curious to those situations and dynamics where you are unable to act and be from and in unconditional love?

It’s the only place you have to start. Not worrying or dealing with what other people do or don’t do. You. Yourself. Are you in unconditional love?

I wasn’t. I was still in a place of feeling a victim. And I then kept repeating that pattern. Deep deep buried, there was that little girl who thought she needed to act and fix and heal other people to have a place in this world. I am curious to see, what I am really here for, now that I am letting that go.






​© 2021 by Camila Reland

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