The missing soul. A known phenomenon to many. I reconnected with that part of mine today. It was always mine. But it had left. This ghost of horror and loneliness that I didn’t want to have be part of me and had it leave, had to pass through me, because I invoked it and asked it to come back into my life. For completion. To end the patterns attached to its absence.
I didn't know it was what I was doing underneath those sacred prayers and beautiful vows at Solstices, and I know now that's why people always say 'be careful what you wish for'. Not as a warning, but as a notion to be full of care.
I did this walk all-one, alone.
Patiently and also impatiently discovering, journeying through every day. In slow motion experiencing every second of the grief, of the pain, of the fear, the hurting heart grieving ancient pain I postponed for later. And later came to be now. I forgot to be desirous, but I discovered that I was passionate and curious about things I never thought I would be. I discovered life was magical again on my own. Letting go of trying to control outcome and demanding things, I opened my hands to receive. I got out of the way. And the missing soul found her way back to me. She aligned and recalibrated. She made me remember. Everyday just calling into the presence of gOd my ego. Slowly, surely. Replacing the closed heart, the cynicism, the distance. The hopelessness.
Standing under the last, golden leaves falling from the almost naked trees finally letting go of them, ready to go back into decay and then cycle, ready to be part of the new soil, nutrition for coming ages, the new Spring, I am quite sure I caught it, whirling towards me as a gift from one of those trees, that stood tall and green and kept blessing me with their wisdom over this impossible summer. Reconnecting, I remembered how happy I am. The eternal child on her jOurney. Happy for no particular reason other than feeling the jOy, the spark of gOd and life in her chest.
It is in the Wilderness, the Sacredness of Landscape and elements, mostly Earth, the dark feminine, that peace can be found. A wise woman made me reflect on this. Our relationship to exactly that which is ironically wild, dark, full of death and incontrollable forces, something we all must accept we cannot live without, She holds our future conditions and life as we know it. We know what she brings. What she does to our lives. Yet at the same time, the same forces are laughed at, ridiculed still, ignored or at worst, feared when we recognize the same wilderness, the same destructive force within ourselves. Can we claim it? Accept it within ourselves as part of who we are, or do we still deny it, project onto someone else and fear them, avoid them or point our fingers at them? You are me, I am you, we all have that force, there is no reason to fear it or even think we have mastered it, it runs wild, it is its very nature. Denying the sensation in your bones, your heart, your soul, your blood after spending time in her embrace, is what makes you ill being separated from Her. Those are the symptoms of a dying world. Perhaps that is your depression, perhaps that is what you feel at the core of your denial, though you claim to love her so?
I caught the leaf in my hand. It was gold, yellow with lines of red. Connected forever with lOve, the eternal flame within that sings along to the hum surrounding me, the waves that are at the core of everything, I gave thanks for remembering and welcoming missing things back in my life. Knowing that compassion and passion are my gasoline. I shine, and I am not afraid to. I take full credit, I take full responsibility. This is my journey. I did it all. All the shit and all the glorious moments. I am my own judge. I am my own karmic contributor. Free or bound, all up to me. But at my core, I know something. Something very valuable. I will never let it go again or be so scared to be here, seek approval from those whose hearts are closed, that part of me decides to leave and instead binds me to the same thing over and over again.
The dawn comes, the new is being weaved, it does so automatically, I don’t have to fix it, change it or try to control it. The web expanded, I am on this journey. So let’s see what happens….
Image credit: Laurie Kaplowitz, Chrysalis