In the River


Something really happened in those shattering defining moments. When the world you knew and felt safe in collapsed. The worst happened. Something feared and perhaps foreseen all along. Inevitable. Always lingering there, like a ghost in the room. Waiting. For the right time, the ripe hour.

Something fell apart. You were so scared you couldn’t even grief or react, the devil climbed on your back and latched on to you. Numbed, you postponed that process for later. Putting distance behind your steps, deleting your memories. You couldn’t allow yourself to remember. Anything. Music. Places. Words. Scents. Everywhere you rested your eyes, you were reminded of the pain, the loss, the loneliness. A hundred small processes every day, knowing how to grieve, how to be in a state of shock.

In denial at first. The violent anger. Then a last attempt of bargaining. Then a numb state of depression follows, and you finally accept.

But it is in the complete nakedness, the unprotected state, the allowing of loneliness, that something within cracks wide open. Followed by silence and death. You are left there on your own to go through those stages. To know yourself. Without any interruption. GOd rushes in, light rushes in, but only when you are ready for it, only when you date to release the grip, release the breath you held, and let go.. Let gOd. Asking for mercy. Praying for grace.

Like a wormhole through bent space, in and out of timelessness till the dawn returns. So many wounds healing through that space given, unwillingly, unwantedly, but there it was, there it had to happen.

Finally standing in there, among the trees, in a forest yet unknown. Unexplored. Being a woman, you don’t know how to be. You haven’t been her before. Can she feel? Anything? Is she past her River or in the middle of it? Strange sensations of calm – perhaps numbness? To where goes her passions? Her pursuits? Did she really die this time with no chance of vibrant life returning to her, or where is life taking her? She sees no certain future ahead of her, nothing exciting to look forward to- No omens of what’s coming.. Has her sight forsaken her? Or is she just not supposed to know?

The new way of feeling, mature. Calm. Home. Within. Not without. She feels a new kind of knowing, a new way of wisdom. Calling in everything she remembers, she journeys with. The security and safety at last within her own skin. The voice within. Seeing the human heart that sometimes is so treacherous in its wants and desires. But this Heart beats louder. It is very aware of its wants and desires. It is very sure of what is fair and just. It surrounds her with an Air of lOve, that is sharp, unwavering, but thick and strong. Being fully aware that she is visible. If visible she knows she needs to be clear. She understands the world that serves as a mirror, the stage of events, she can happen to, interact with, withdraw from, engage in, neverending journeys around and around a shining Sun and all the people in it. People may come, people may go. Just like the River, life flows.

It feels like an early morning, pushing through the chrysalis, being incredibly vulnerable, exhausted from the struggle out of the final stages of being something else, dying, but birthing. The unprotected state.

New wings. New body. New being.

From passing this time alone, somewhere so unknown, it healed the sOul.

She feels free. She feels nothing. From nothing is a good place to start. In nothing lies everything. The road, open. Anything can happen. But she trusts her sOul knows her path. One step is the beginning of any new jOurney.

​© 2020 by Camila Reland

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