High and Low


They pull at me. They pull at my feet and at my hair. Childlike. Laughing their bell like sounding laughter. Reminding me to come out to play. To come away from the path and into the forest instead, walk among trees and put my hands on the warm soil and feel the connecting touch, the kiss from Gaia and how she holds me, how her hand come up to palm mine and heal me- The soothing, nourishing energy streaming from the core of the Earth. To bathe in sunshine that falls like diamond glitter showers on my hair when split between leaves dancing on the wind, caressing my cheeks, drying the tears that fall on this heavy day in the heat in yet another day of Sun. Reminding me of something I always did, somewhere I always went, knowing this is my medicine. The Forest. The trees. Alone. Healing. Feeling not alone.

How bright and illuminated this Summer has been. Shining his cruel and piercing light on everything, fully illuminated everything becomes merciless and painfully obvious. Yearning for rain, for clouds and wind. For cooler Air, for regaining vitality and strength, for being able to physically move and release and regain some sort of normality. Out of reach. And normal has gone, life has changed. I am no longer the same person. There is no way back. I am closer to the original state, one more layer of programming shed.

I hardly know this woman staring at me in the mirror, but I remember her. Her eyes are mine, though they see clearer, a penetrating gaze, having seen so much, too much perhaps, they are still alive, curious and kind, not cautious or mistrusting anymore. She looks younger than she should be. She looks like someone I knew in another time, another life, and I like her voice in my heart, her softness and her fierce passion and assertive power. It’s different from my the one my mother taught me.

Woven from that awareness, other beings that I haven’t seen in a long time appear. Violent, clumsy and raw. Their energy doesn’t frighten me anymore. ‘The Thunder in your Heart is gone’ is their only message for me.

The Wind sends a breeze suddenly through the forest floor. Making the leaves whirl and dance. The familiar shrieks from above make this time seem like out of time. It could be any day. I forget time. I forget the events. I forget anything that happened, I am protected, though in the unprotected state. Those shrieks send healing thrills through my tired body, releasing the dark thoughts, reassuring me there's no end to the lengths I'll go to, hunting high and low.

The words dance then within me, bearing the Sacred Well Water mark on my forehead, on my Heart. Knowing I have been released from her embrace, the White Lady, having been taught everything she knew, there is no more, I am waiting. She comes one last time to deliver her message. ‘Don’t move on. Stand still. Wait. Give it a chance to catch up with you. Endure this time. It is making you strong and soft at the same time.’

Somehow the tears dry. Knowing they will fall again and again. Nothing can be done about the tears that fall from a Heart that lOves. They come from somewhere deeper than the human mind can explain. From jOy, perhaps, still feeling blessed and bliss though missing, from always being connected and feeling the pull from afar, for the madness this illusion of separation is, for missing your lOved one, for having it all and being happy, but needing to share it and can’t, for feeling the rush of the immense power you suddenly realize you are, the depth of the softness you possess.. Tears.. From the sOul.

So I walk in this Forest, this sacred space of mine. And they pull at me. Asking me to remember to come out to play. To not feel too heavy. Making sure I know I am safe, held and healed and lOved through this time.

It makes missing not too bad. No end to the lengths I’ll go to.

​© 2020 by Camila Reland

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