Out of purpose


It’s so quiet in the Night. Serene and calm. Another Air that comes to life. Where have they all gone? Now they’re out and away. The darkness brings peace and gentle reassurance. You can leave. You can go… The night is full of angels, some dark, some bright. Taking you where you need to go. Granting you access into the dimensions you need to see.

It’s a comforting rest. Out of the body there are no demands, no restlessness, no time, no pain. Peace is in that space, where walking between the worlds leaves the human mind to a break, a pause from all it’s structure, the things the brain can’t comprehend or decipher. It’s in there the split is created. The illusion of pain, the reality of separation. Such a relief to let go and step out of it. Sleep is much treasured. The work, done. The wait, inhumanly unbearable.

She reminds me there is healing still. The Heart calm and full of wisdom, though it remembers. And worries. Lack of faith in its destiny, having seen that road again and again and is reminded of the horror. Uncertain that there’ll ever be any solace. Any comfort. Any peace. But there must be.

She asks her own Heart again and again. Defying the terror of the answer. Imagine being so afraid of your own Heart’s wisdom. Demanding strength of her, she is not sure she has. But the tears falling are that. Strength. The strength lies in there, in the knowing she’ll never stop loving. The Heart can’t shut down anymore, but loves in vain. Grief replaces the love that is unreciprocated, that is spilt and lost. Grief is love gone homeless. The heart is homeless. Now.

Only at home in the darkness she’s not afraid of. She’s seen it all. What could there possibly be left in this world to be afraid of? They think she lacks sympathy, empathy, compassion and question her detachedness. They don’t know it’s because she’s felt everything aleady, seen everything already. So deep in her memory. So deep. She's on the outside looking in. In the upside down-ness cosmos is the place you are rooted, yet they keep thinking she needs grounding, but Earth was never the safe place, never her element, so why put roots down at all? Why not just keep moving? Or leave...

It’s the kind of peace she’ll never find. Not really. Because the peace comes only in feeling safe, and the walk alone is not a walk of peace, but a walk alone. Through a desert of solitude, loneliness and the memory of the Heart that was once happy is unbearable living with. She envies herself from her days in the Sun. Regretful. Heartbroken. Though she puts up a brave face, as she has learned from forever ago. To push through. To be strong. To know it all.

Back to being lonely. The walk alone through the rest of this life. She came for Him. She came to heal Him. To be in the lOve and the life with him, as they promised to each other from their time beyond. Now, she has no purpose.

The Night comes with all its calm. The stars come out. The sole consolation, that cosmos will carry her on. Some day, eventually. And this will all be over, finally put to rest.

Finally really free.

​© 2020 by Camila Reland

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