There are some portals you only can walk through under certain conditions.
Some arrivals are only existing due to a certain journey ventured.
Some steps have to be taken.
Pain becomes a conductor for the sOul who then must compose magical songs, materializing events, sentiment, ambience and emotions to be able to become first aware of the repeated tragedy, then the willingness to transcend emerges from a place within that has accessed only then a deeper insight, a brighter vibrating light.
That's what pain can do. Bring grace.
Grace can only come to us when we are there. In the most inhumanly impossibility of journeys. She is a rare visitor. But a beautiful stranger, nevertheless.
There is strength here. Immense. I recognize it in the blue waves by the Ocean, hypnotizing me into meditation, a rhythm of a moment's peace. Her calm picking me up gently, like a mother, carrying me out of the labyrinth of thought flow, trying to figure out this mess, dancing me into release. Her motion pulling gently at my feet, the current kissing my body, that is dying from lack of care, the cold water on my back causing little thrills, enough to freeze the cellular structure wanting to rise in this heat, calming me down, my entire nervous system under pressure unable to cope with another energy outlet.
Underneath the surface of blue water, I escape the space between me and the sky and fall into the silence. The Ocean sphere has a different magic, an unfamiliar whisper. A language I don’t know, always uncomfortable head under water.
Salvation and release is possible from the sorrow and seeming infinite sadness, that is so humanly bound within me. If I could just escape the layers of emotion keeping me from the state of bliss I know is just ahead, building a possible bridge to cross over from within.
This lack of understanding WHY we need those emotions, when they are so unnecessary. I see I will spend my entire walk on this Earth never quite understanding that aspect of this human life, always puzzled, though ironically, I carry the answers like a Crown upon my constant wondering mind, could I just accept the constant phasing moodiness, little cycles of death, life, rebirth those emotions are. (He did wear a Wolf-t-shirt didn't he, that day? Wolves have been a sign theme of late)
I see my mother. I buried her in the Ocean.
'She died a famous woman denying
her wounds came from the same source as her power.'
A darkened woman, caught in her web of sorrow. It brings me great sadness so many years after her passing, I never knew. I could have helped her differently. I should have seen her and not rejected and judged. Made peace. Maybe not. She gave me the key when she passed. Such a goodbye gift. So many years running far from the madness, the darkness, the cursed path. The legacy. The ancestral spirits pulling me, unable to escape. That journey. From some deeper understanding, instinctively knowing to end it here with me. No more women carrying our wound. This expression of that mark.
I’ve slammed the door to that space so many times when the door was wide open, inviting me in. Terrified. Afraid to walk through it alone. But someone finally took my hand and escorted me to it. Left me there. I would never had known had he not taken me to see it. I would have lived, perhaps, blissfully unaware. What a waste of stellar sOul chance. And we had a signed contract. Now I’m signed, sealed, delivered. Here I am. Unable to go back. Unable to do anything but keep walking. Some journeys can only be done alone. An perhaps this was the final page. Never meant to be forever, but for this sole purpose. sOul purpose.
It was perhaps always only for me to know, therefore never a tragedy that I was left there. Again and again. The repeated pattern is there to tell us something. And become aware that this is the part of the story, where you must change something to gain a different outcome. Freedom.
The pain showing me into darker, deeper corners I never knew I had in me. Behind them were the brightest light. I’ve seen it. Felt it. Unaware of how bright it shines underneath the dark thoughts of self belief.
I keep walking, I will find the way out, so help me gOd.
I laugh at the Cosmic weather reports. Knowing full well, this potent current design is a stellar opportunity to dance with the forces of the very foundations of the Universe that I am expressing through and in. I am the very storm when it’s darkest, the clearest blue when the Sun is shining. I am all that. I am the symphony whether it’s dark or bright. Joy and despair. I can choose the expression, but I must first know them all. Understand their consequences and their games. Set the Tree of Knowledge on Fire and remain a Tree of Life. She has me. Still.
What is behind the door of that dark chamber? Only I know. All-one. Alone.
There‘s a chill in my Heart. Still. I carry it with me. And I’m mad about that. Still. I suppose that leaves the door open before I find forgiveness.
But that’s another jOurney, for another day.