She looks at me with eyes that are compassionate yet detached from outcome.
The only thing she is is in it. Carefree and careless. Unaffected by the massive mental objections. The constitutions, institutions, the patterns. She knows that this dimension where I meet her is her only space. She tells me the truth whenever consulted. I don’t always hear it, though I am listening.
When I am not hearing it, she attracts the events and incidents carefully according to the script. That’s how clever she is, and she tells me with one glance. In a second I know it is so. The exchange of knowing.
She is the me I am without the noise. Without the karmic layers. Without the bite of the apple. But I know the Tree is one and the same. Their roots somehow intertwined. In here at the root at that tree, in the sacred chambers of my Heart, the pure me, that is eternal and wanders eternally, whether here or elsewhere.
She has my gold, my liquidity. She knows, and I have been forgetting to consult with her, weak as I am. Lost in analysis. Lost on Earth though incredibly unearthed and ungrounded.
How often I spend time with a self-fabricated ghost of a haunted past to maintain my defense mechanism. To justify my battle. The soul wants what it wants. It WILL go that way. There is no way around it. Though I have no choice, I have free will. Here bound by limited laws, in there free. Filtering out the illusions, casting away the shadow. My shadow is right here. At play. Casting its plays on the wall for me to look at, but they are only projections.
She looks at me. ‘Do not disturb me,’ she says.
She is Fire and big bangs, a raw power. One notion comes to mind to understand what this image is. What she is.
The chaos in there is strangely comforting. The explosion is so strangely soothing. The calm during Chaos. The destruction rooted. Purposed. As if this is all I really want, and why the rage is so enticing. Justified. The only way to go. Somehow, strangely right, though it contradicts everything I have been taught, everything I should be feeling and conducting from, behaving, moral and ethics.
She looks at me with eyes that have seen forever and knows her origin. Knows her source. Knows how good this all is.
‘Do not try and stop the process, do not think you want anything else’.
Horror creeps in my mind. Objections. Rage.
‘Those thoughts and emotional reactions are worldly created. They are not yours. Do not try and behave, you are not sweet and you are not a little girl. You are raw, powerful and strong, woman. Remember why you are feared, why you fear yourself.’
Compassionate, yet detached. She closes her eyes and I feel what she feels. We merge, and I am home. For a brief moment. Sensation is surrender. Finally allowing that power to surge through. Following the canals all the way back to its origin. Seeing along the way where it got repressed, thwarted, misunderstood, deliberately held down, feared, wronged, abused. Misused. It got lost. Fed lies. Hate. Jealousy. Anger. Killed. Denied. The dark merges with the light. It becomes both a friction, creation, and a destruction. It becomes life and death. It becomes something without judgement. Just a force. The consequences. And how it wants to be freed. True. Align with its source. Back to the beating Heart. Released of any ties that binds it. Free. Free to be that immense Light that shines so brightly behind all this chaos.
‘OK. Go.’ I understand my petty feelings are no match for this. My ideas of control and behaving, of guilt and shame are pointless here. Of trying to fit into labels and mental analysis from the world I reside in, that rejects strong emotion. Judge it. Take them personally. I remember how the biggest lie is poisoning us. How our egos hurt, when someone hurts us. No one can hurt when love is alive. It is but projection of projection on feelings. Love is free. I know this. Deep in my heart.
‘He’s strong enough. You’re not hurting him. This is cracking him open too. He wants you to. He needs it to feel his Heart. He has so much fear of losing you. It is an illusion. It is ego from past binding him. He wants to be free. The mirroring actions are the key to healing. Try not to control them but spot instead what they dig up. He knows this within his soul. He is free and the split in consciousness is painful, but not damaging.’
More mental objections as the mind is dismissed and soul knowing takes over.
‘This is wild and raw. Intense and loud. But it is not dangerous.’
This is the unweaving taking place. Unraveling the truths that are lies. Tracing them back to their origin, and understanding that their events are written into the actions of those players in my life to wake up the painful memory that got stuck and became a truth. That is not how life is. It is a misfortune. Why? Unraveling. To understand. Life. Choice. Awakening to light. Transformation. Transcending.
The sole purpose; to be free of the past produced layers of defense. To have a chance to break free of binding contracts. To choose freely. To know ourselves. KNOW. Not THINK.
We’ve merged. Her and me.