Eternal summer in my Heart

October 18, 2016

 

The day feels wrong. I have surely died during the night and woken up in an afterlife full of darkness. To a day that never fully lets in sunshine or grows daylight. 
I know what it means. I know the potential this thick fog contains, should I decide to enter it. Walk through. 
Knowing that like a female version of Luke Skywalker I will be confronted with my deepest fears; the ones that lead to hate and suffering. The Dark side. Dark matter attracting more Dark Matter until I fully understand energetically and not just emotionally and mentally, that I am truly bright and shiny. True love connected. 
There is no differing between the sexes here. The path is the path, regardless. Choose? I hesitate. It would be easier to go back to sleep. To stay in my Princess tower and wait for rescue. But I know that staying up there will not enhance any confrontation. And I would be mixing up too many fairy tales and confuse the plot and disturb the happy ending. 
I know someone who tells those stories better than any one else could..... And seek her counsel.. the era of the prophecising Sibyl is not forgotten.. She encourages me to enter..
In the darkness I feel instantly the shame and the guilt for having expressed an opinion, for letting my power show. I feel the walls caving in and limiting my expression. I feel the fear of being alone. I see how far I am willing to walk straight into that lie. I see it. I don’t walk it.
I rage against the limiting belief that we only ever move in relativity. In opposites. As if it’s a curse we cannot humanly shake. Doomed forever by our own limits to repeat and repeat. Like the hamster in the wheel running for no escape, and we forgot why we even keep moving, since we are going absolutely nowhere. 
I see how easy it is to break that pattern. Understanding at last that repeating the same thing over and over that does not work will only ever stop, once you react in an unforeseen way. And how tempted I was to react in the same manner. 
Instead I ask for light. I ask for peace. I ask to remember I am Love. I remember that I need nothing. I have everything. I am not in any danger. No matter where I wake up. Alone. Together. It doesn’t matter. I am love.
There are days when you simply just must accept and surrender to going back into the cave you know you have arrived at.
Keeping an open heart. Fully faithed. Appreciating this is the first test of a series of many to come. To keep the light on in these dark days coming. To stand by your own side. Keep your own wisdom. Be safe there. Be strong there. Chasing rainbows are just that. The chase. Keeping you running for nothing. Like the hamster that forgot why.
Patience and regaining strength.
The fog clears. I have no battle. I have no shame. I just need to spend time decoding and reconstructing my responses once I see how they dance around me. The madness. The darkness. A little while longer. Till the Sun shines brightly again. 
It will soon be another Spring and the Light will return to the world. Until then I am reminded that there is an eternal summer deep in my Heart. I will go there.

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​© 2020 by Camila Reland

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