Learning to Fly


'Just surrender in to it, let the experience give you exactly what you need from it,' she says, my clever, cool, loving Ida.

It makes sense. I thank her and hang up the phone. There is reason in accepting a fear, that you know is irrational, no danger involved, just acknowledging it's there, but you will still go through what you have to do and be with the feeling. 'You'd know if you should really run, but this is not the case here.'

I get on that plane. And I just hate take off! Always have. But I've decided today under an early morning starry sky to get out of the cave and enough with the shadow dancing, to face the rest of my life counting every privileged blessing of mine and raise my vibration, my attitude and be a humbler, happier version of me, and the fear of flying doesn't sit well with my urge for wanting to travel the world. It's time to go about it differently.

So I will be with it. The irrational fear. It's twenty minutes of my life in sheer terror and I will embrace it. I have flown a zillion times! I have been through EFT tapping, hypno therapy, been to the cockpit, done breathing exercises, valium, held random strangers hands and all kinds of other crazy maneuvers to get over it and nothing changes how I feel during take off!

The seat next to me is empty and I inwardly wish for a big, strong, calm person to sit next to me and just tell me it's all going to be fine. I ask the flight attendant as she passes by if she will just check up on me after take off, I admit my stupid fear. Two minutes later this really nice, Swedish pilot, Robin, comes over and sits next to me. Tells me he will talk me through everything that happens, and that he won't leave my side until we've arrived in Stockholm.

He asks me what I am really afraid of. I always thought it was a control issue. But I hear myself say: 'Of dying.' He smiles and says, 'Well, every sane person wants to live, and you will not die today. Just breathe. Fear is only lack of knowledge.' He tells me everything about the guy in the car with his flag and the thumbs up, to the flapping wing, to the ability to fly with one engine, if we catch fire, to the speed we need to reach to take off, to the ventilator on the engine, every noise and where it comes from, what altitude we reach, to the ability to fly with no engines.. And he keeps telling me to just breathe.. My autistic control brain is finally at peace and I wonder how he knew exactly that!

We're up in the air and I forgot to be afraid! That moment comes.. The moment I contradictory love about flying, when both engines let go, let off.. And the cabin is strangely quiet.. We're gliding. It's such a liberating, freeing moment.

Free.

Just hanging in a metal construction in the air. White clouds underneath us. Blue sky and yellow sunlight. We throw a rainbow round prism on the clouds below and a shadow of our plane. All is well.

I thank Robin for being so nice and for helping me. He says, 'You did it!!! And next time you're flying, try to actually enjoy it!'

Robin means bright, shining.

Day one. Out of the cave. I am light. And I get what I need, when I remember to accept what I am afraid of and ask for help.

​© 2020 by Camila Reland

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