How willing are we to adapt to truth? Those hard on values we are brought up with, that are shown in society as values that are accepted by a majority, but perhaps a majority, that have forgotten how to question why we live as we do, think as we do, value as we do, judge as we do.. Have we accepted the rules so blindly, so willingly, or is the pain we feel perhaps to do with a notion from inside that screams NO, because I can feel that I am in fact just selling my soul, going with a flow, am I a sheep, a follower, when I know I am born to be a leader?
Those reflections are burning in my mind these days. Faced with reality, faced with killings every day, even in my own close up personal life when the crisis hit, when the not so rosy days come, when the Dragons rise, when the ego takes over, a natural cycle perhaps still there for a reason to cleanse and tear away the last defence pushing love away, faced with a world on fire, with hate and retaliation, with attack on our lives.. Yours and mine. And I know within that those are projections of thwarted self action or perhaps lack of those.
When a system fails it is because the components of the system are acting out of balance. Those components are me, you, our neighbor, our best friend, our loved ones, everyone around us.
I’ve noticed lately, that I break things. Unintended. I say things, I really know I don’t mean. I hurt people I love, because I feel threatened. I feel I have to redeem myself and defend myself. The shadow in me is no prettier than the ones who make real physical terror attacks on innocent people. And I wonder what the hell I of all people have to protect, defend, redeem.
But that’s the raw left over of a reptile brain, that is to do with ego and survival instincts, and I know Mars has been active and raw lately, I know, and I am aware that the largest Volcano in our Solar System is to be found there, so I get it.
Can I forgive myself? Can I see there is an intention of love greater than the unintended action, accidentally, unbalanced? It's the unbalance that's interesting, cause it teaches me new stuff all the time, and as such there is growth.
I don’t think my shadow it’s pretty, but perhaps in 5 years time I will look back and appreciate the explosion as a teacher, a trigger that released something that I didn’t need to travel with anymore.
Realized the eternal pattern of projection within relationship that you get caught in if you're not sharp, aware and constantly choose LOVE and choose to let it go instantly when it occurs, the finger pointing, the endless drama of blame and you did this, so I did that discussion we get lost in cause we childishly think we really need to explain ourselves, so afraid not to be seen, to be understood, instead of just knowing there is love, there is compassion and that’s bigger than anything else and just let it go.. The labyrinth of ‘being hurt’ is where it starts.. The collecting the episodes and keeping score, instead of shaking it off forgive, move on… Back to unconditional love.
I know.. I do it too. Write 7 pages of accuses, of whys and reactions. I realized how heavy that was, the blaming someone else and getting stuck in the drama of ‘oh, you hurt me’ and compared it to the love I feel instead, concluded it’s not worth it. And let it go. Hurt. Blame. Anger. What are those feelings but projected fear from a past, that has nothing to do with another person? It’s not about what they can do for us, but what I can decide to do for myself in this matter. I am never a victim or subject to anything I don’t let happen to me.
When did relationship become such a game of thrones? Am I a bigger King than him? Or is he a better Queen than me? Why are we even in it? What is it really about, and did we forget somewhere along the way? Cause we don’t have to be here. It’s a choice.
Will we ever know that the call from our souls is bigger than all the confusion our minds are trying to rationally, practically get? That the love we feel for our loved ones is bigger than all the 1+1 makes 2? That all the anger and fear is a projection from our pasts and got nothing to do with now. Can we accept that certain outbursts are necessary for releasing what can’t be suppressed any longer underneath the nice and well behaved surface of bullshit pleasantries.
Does anyone really get the dynamics, the reasons, the whys on a larger scale, or are we just going with pop psychology reason, 10 how to’s in the women’s magazine, the mass accepted collective that says this is right and that is wrong? These are the rules on relationship, break’em and you’re f****d, and all I am asking is why? What is HURT really? A bitten ego. A memory from another time, when we were shown, told, that this has to do with shame, when our emotions were wronged, not met, not accepted or even punished, met with hostility… But is it really that illusory to believe we can rise from them. Dismiss them. Realize it is NOT happening now, there is no real danger IF.. IF (!!!!!) we decide to return to the original love. And from the original love everything becomes magical, everything can be done, forgiven, healed, begin to live again, begin to weave, flow, rise, dance.. That love is life and fear is death.
It’s all a matter of choice.
So simple, and yet we have forgotten that it is. We choose hurt, we choose the self defence. We retaliate. We do keep score. Cause we identify with the pain instead of the LOVE.
Soul searching and feelings of regret, remorse, hopelessness for how and why it got to this. I hope today will be better. I hope today I will be able to choose love over sadness. Hope over hopelessness.
Hopefully. Back to love.