There is a natural high in my bones. The celebration after months and months of intensified soul work.
In the darkness that was only momentarily interrupted by laser beams and neon lights and explicit graphics that affirmed our mutuality, I was smiling at him, telling him he electrifies my life.
On my way home they hit me. Like golden firecrackers. Insight after insight.
I see truth. I understand. I wake up. At last. As if stuck in a stupid annoying dream, where you know you want to run, but can’t. Somehow your feet don’t follow orders from the brain. It’s stupid, because you know you can run. Freely. Elegantly. Smoothly. Like a gazelle. Dancing across the savannah. Graciously. Not because you want to run away from something. Just because you are at your very outmost expressed YOU, when you are running. Doing what you are here to do.
One by one I see them. Those aha-things. A zillion lightbulbs illuminating my darkened unanswered questions. I understand. Everything. The understanding makes the Heart throb from compassion and a sort of forgiveness for having been clueless and thus helpless for so long.
I can’t decide whether I want to cry or laugh. But the walls inside are finally caving in. Not mentally, like so often described before. The wishful thinking taking over the actual slowness of this labor of the soul. The reality of things.
Whatever was dead and blind in me, is now liquid and finds the way, like Water does, to the depth, and takes away with it everything that is ready to loosen its hardening. Erosion. The dead weight wells up through and out from my eyes. Doors to my soul. So there is a bridge now.
The Eyes that represent the Blue Soul can see. As the ears are beginning to hear instead of listening. I see how everything I thought was in my way, have served as friction. Making me work for it. Making me understand the difference between Ego want and Soul need. Gratitude.
And above all. Humility.
The Man that was painfully and constantly physically unavailable to me for but a few hours every week and thus ever enough to make me do the work by myself, has been my best teacher through the journey. He offered his hand, his promise and his true love all the way. He would tell me again and again, and it would work until my mind would think up another objection, and then we’d have to go another round. I didn’t understand. I just couldn’t. As long as the ego ruled my senses, I was her prisoner.
The same ache and cry from the Soul yearning for a permanent home, finally reached my stupid lame and incredible tortoise like human brain this morning: I long for him, all the time, because I want to spend my life with him because I simply love being with him. It was the purest knowing. A cry from within. Not an emotion. Not a call for more ego need for his affirmation of his love for me. The controlled exhange, the illusion of owning each other, that is a fear based claim.
The tears came, because I knew I was finally free.
I know now that the time I have spent this year being in sheer terror, utterly heartbroken though paradoxically accompanied by love all the way, panicking, roaming, rootless, battling my insanely noisy and demanding Ego, praying for mercy, to be let out of this madness, this paranoia, this hysteria of wanting to RUN and not feel a thing, not having to deal with it, and at times praying to be leaving this world, as it was obviously a mistake imprisoning my soul in human flesh yet again, the going through hell and facing myself in the portal, that magical kind of mirror that showed me just how ugly I was, so that I could finally in truth understand my true beauty behind the thwarted self image (now there’s a selfie you cannot post on Facebook!) has been one long step towards being released. Being healed. Being free. A woman who consciously chooses what her life is going to be. Not random. Not by accident. But by Her Heart.
I’m not there yet. Not fully. I know. No more fake promises.
I’m on my way with a Heart full of Love, that even the Brain can somewhat agree to to comprehend. Eventually, by that hard work my Heart surrendered. This is beyond euphoria and all those limited reactions the body can experience momentarily. This is joy. Getting to have a life with your best friend in all the galaxies and beyond AND knowing he is that. Unconditionally. And choosing each other. Day after day.