Dancing with Destiny


Who was she, that shy but fearless 11 year old girl I used to be? Did she have an inner knowing how things would turn out? Is that why she was so fearless? Determined? Unworried? Knowing that by taking certain steps in a certain direction she would start laying out little clues, the first pieces of a puzzle that would end up defining the journey of her life? A literal dance with destiny. Moving with her instinct, her gut feeling. The pull. Going in the direction of her heart rather than going with the flow. Or is it somehow the Me in the Now, that keeps sending back in time so many grateful energetic ‘yays’ and hugs for her actions then, that she felt inspired and cheered on by the future-me, that she had that mature coolness to her attitude. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Fearless. In the end it wasn’t so bad being excluded from the popular group. To be left by her best friend. To get to escape into her own world. The silent world. The alone world. Undisturbed by physical presence. Letting another presence in. As natural as it was. To exist somewhere between this world and the next. In the world of thought it’s a hop, skip and a jump to move above and beyond. The dream world. All the fairy tales were there. Inside. Outside. Alone and undisturbed she got to develop the other senses. Whatever loneliness touched upon her soul was quickly replaced by learning to listen to what was behind the thoughts. And it gave her the ability to listen to the wind. To the stories from the waves. The elements. The quiet in the forests. And was never bored. Constantly keeping ‘other’ company. Innocent pre-teen confessions in a secret diary, found and read, and lovingly made fun of by her brother. She stood by it. It was not just kept to have any sort of only dialogue, it was also to let something grow and flow. Something with words. And the early heart beats over him.. The new boy... How can you be so in love at such an age? She spotted him, and knew he was absolutely magical. Never knew where he came from. Suddenly he was just there. And she felt in all her aloneness and awkwardness, that she knew him. The hours she spent studying every detail in his face, the lines in his smile, the sound of his voice. Recognizing him. Understanding why knowing him made sense. Even if they never spoke many words. Perhaps none at all. I can’t imagine or remember what she must have felt in the minutes leading up to her glorious moment. Those maybe 15 seconds it must have taken to get up and walk across the floor at the school dance. From one end to the other. Bravely, asking him to dance with her. Did she plan it? Was it spontaneous? How long did she build up her courage? For days? Or 5 minutes? How happy she must have felt, or maybe blushing and trying to keep cool with a pounding heart in a way too young chest, as he accepted and smiled at her. They did dance together. Once. And he did smile at her. I can’t remember how it must have felt. Pure joy and happiness. Her secret love. How happy she was walking home. That night. Did that one dance leave a trail? Did it make an impression? Is that why he remembered her? Is that what actually shaped my fate 30 years later? I’m proud of my inner 11 year old fearless, quirky, awkward, geeky girl. She was bad ass. She knew what she wanted. She had faith. She went by her heart. Even when others thought she was a little… well.. Odd. A seed was planted then. A promise for later. Much later. Today it makes sense. By ‘chance’? Sure. Coincidence? By greater forces such as our own contracts? Whatever.. It’s a beautiful story. Cause it’s a true love story. Cause he’s here by my side today. Telling me I’m his Twin. Knowing we’ve met times and times before. That knowing it was instant when we met again. Our union sends instant healing back in time to all the former heartaches. The soul breaking pain of disappointment, whenever other loves, other relationships failed, didn’t work, never quite fit. I see they bear some spark of resemblance, the structure I was looking for, and I do feel a sense of gratitude. They taught me something. Especially to keep following my Heart. Regardless. This.. fits. The inner worlds, the outer, the energy, the love, the structure of the soul cells, the universes.. all aligned in his coming. Demanding us to clear the clutter, to walk together, to do this right. This time. It is the greatest gift. This is home. Finally. Connecting all the dots an image forms that releases all earlier unanswered questions. They are gone. There is silence. This is why. He is why. My brave inner 11 year old. She developed strength and vision, clarity and knowledge in that solitude of hers. She had the nerve to walk over and ask the most popular and beautiful boy in the entire school to dance. Cause she knew she loved him. He was magical. But so was she! She kept walking the path of the Heart. In all her matters. Regardless of detours, dead ends and short cuts, I see now she actually walked straight to him. Just like she did that night. Knowing he WOULD dance with her. And it would make her the happiest girl in the world. Just like it does now. And I keep cheering for her! She’s so beautiful!

​© 2020 by Camila Reland

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