Fever


I am burning up from inside. Fever. Every move I make is painful. Limbs, bones, and muscles are all on strike. ‘Do not move an inch.. We’re done! Rest!’

My blood is boiling accompanied by the adrenaline which exhaustingly rushes through every vein along with the heated fluids my body produces and tries to expel.

Synapse overload. Every cell in me wants something different; I need sleep, food, rest, healing, action, movement, union, water and peace at the same time. Faced with all these demands, I can do nothing but surrender and let go. The pain is not painful, it just aches. The submerging emotions are manifesting through hyperventilation and panic attacks. But the panic is not there to warn me of any real danger. It’s a sign of releasing the old. That I’ve been holding it for too long. I know I am perfectly alright. More than alright. But my poor brain can’t keep up with decoding all these ambiguous signals.

I’ve been on an open raging Sea for so long. I’ve had so much to battle and so much to cleanse. Trying to keep above water. Desperately fighting the pull from underneath. So tempting to dive in. Occasionally going under briefly and then resurfacing gasping for Air and terrified of the depths after peeking down there. Tempted to swim along with the call from the Mermaids, singing along to their Sirene calls, knowing fine well I could belong there, but then this life would be utterly wasted.. The occasional pass by of a pack of Dolphins or a shoal of Big Fish encouraging me to join them, but with all this hesitation, they eventually let me be and swam on.

I just had to be sure. And I couldn’t feel it.

Even treading the Waters has been exhausting, but I knew I had to bide my time out there, whilst deciding on a shore. One spoke directly to my heart, felt serene and true, but was too far away though my soul responded and resonated.

Instead I learned how to navigate by the Stars and survived by the phases of the Moon.

If you stop fighting the raging waves; you drown. So I gave it one last effort and then by the right constellation… I let her drown. She went to the bottom; I sacrificed her to the Mermaids and the depths.

And then magic happened; someone offered me their Hand pointing to this shore. And I accepted. Freed from the burden of doubt, I knew. This is where I belong.

So even if deep breathing hurts now because of the Salt Water burning in my lungs, this is a healing phase! It is because everything that was stored underneath whilst surviving in the dark water is now being released. Every shut door now wide open. Realizing that I am love, loving is the most natural thing in the world. You can’t open up and at the same time hold something back.

I can finally nurture and tend to the wound. The Salt Water kept it temporarily safe, though open and raw.. It’s time to let it heal and completely close up. The bleeding is over. She can finally die in peace.

The resurrected me is here. I chose a shore. Safe. Home. Finally a future is dawning. Newness is coming. Something solid forming. Something to commit to. With an honest heart. A Free Heart. The Sacred Heart.

​© 2020 by Camila Reland

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