A Love Story:
I have walked miles in this desert and felt lack of gravity. Leaving no footprints. And suddenly there is reason to stay. The objections towards this are suddenly too insignificant to matter; too weak to have a battle, and a notion of debate arrives: What came first? Reason to stay or staying to find reason?
Does prophecy become self fulfilling or are we making it fit? And does it matter if the end result is one and the same?
’I can’t sing, so you really have to promise not to laugh at me..’
I’m a zillion different tiny little beings in one already, so my awareness is at its 100 %, active and alert and sharp as a Tigress watching every move, though my mind is blown and I am empty of thoughts. My cell structure in the midst of releasing a lifelong defence towards what is occurring right here and now. State of condition: Tested!
I listen to his song, that he trusts me with and the sound and experience of this reaches and touches something in me, that makes me instantly humble. Grateful. Small. But not in a belittled way. But conscious of how arrogant I am. How self absorbed I’ve been in me, myself and I, my self declared empowered singleness; spoiled, taking my freedom for granted, but also using it as a constant shield for what lay beneath; fear of being hurt, and instead always running, always untouchable and overpowered.
Aware that this beautiful living breathing being next to me is beautiful, creative, vibrant. Unique. And the only reason I keep him waiting there at a safe distance at the gates to my Heart, is because I’m being stubbornly childish, scared and refuse to give up any of my so called independence, my selfish freedom. But I see that I am a fool, for denying THIS man access to my heart. That there is absolutely nothing to fear. That all my reservations and stories I keep telling myself and everyone that there is something to lose, and that I just will not risk it, are but that; stories. Self invented lies to keep me from being happy.
Suddenly I feel immense emotion towards this man. I feel something I’ve not felt before in this already incredibly intense and sensation packed sensitive state. A fine golden thread starts spinning from the depths of what I experience to be from somewhere deeper than my soul. A place I was not aware I had in me.
It becomes the finest glowing brightest gold which shines with a radiance of the essence of this extreme short and fragile but powerful moment, that holds in it possibilities of expansion into all eternity. It spins around him and there find its counterpart and connects.
In this moment I am helpless. I am completely in Love. The most pure, bright and fine Love. And I see myself acknowledge that I love. That I can love. And that it is beautiful and not scary. It’s not intimidating or demanding or cruel or threatening my existence or limiting my own expression and path. It’s easy and natural. It’s the very reason for being. For existing. And can only further and complement everything I already am.
And I didn’t know. No one ever told me. Or maybe they did and I couldn’t hear, cause I had not the ears for it.
All my walls are crumbling down. Falling away. The sound of cracking as the last iron bands give in and melt away too.
All I see is this being that I knew and saw 30 years ago who through unfathomable ways found his way to me again, and now is here. I marvel at the lengths the gods went to to stage this meeting; the amount of events and incidents and steps that were leading up to the absolute right moment for this to come into action. I see him and understand the reaction I have to him. It makes sense through the eyes of a mature and grown woman.
I have gravity. I have purpose.
And my Heart sings. It is finally free.