Once in a Blue Moon

August 1, 2015

 

I sit straight up from this nightmare, which I instantly, but in vain, attempt suppressing and denying, and pushing back to the darkness it submerged from. 

It’s too late, it’s left an image; the awareness already working its way through my entire energetic being like an instant antidote, not poison, I conclude in spite of my drowsy conditioned awareness. It spreads slowly from realization to knowing to reaction.. My bones are helpless to the demand of my emotional intelligence. I must act! Or I will not rest another minute through this dark night.

Whatever has been awakened there from the depths infuses my actual challenges of coming events with panic attacks and doubt. Gone is the faith in the pragmatic approach, my otherwise loyal and faithful friend through even the darkest of times, Positivity, has abandoned me for the Blue Light outside the window, seduced by the intensity this opportunity supplies and in between the desperate and moody heartbreaking howls it makes, I hear words like; emotional instability, lack of physical roots, no steady income, you are too stubborn and cold, denial is not just a mighty river in Egyyyyyyyyypt.

I pull the pillow over my head.

In the morning it hits me with such force and manifests in attacking everything I thought I was cool with. In the small breaks in the sobs that I have no control over, I do manage to think one rational thought: What is going on here, to cause such hysteria over something I know and trust to be ok?
I will find a new place to live, haven’t I always? The new job is coming! I have not come here to worry about those issues, so what is this about? What madness is my ego producing?

Instant clarity as the knowing from last night's nightmarish fever reappears: You have feelings! And those feelings scare you! How long have you been running away from Love? How many years now? How lonely are you? Allow yourself to honestly accept HOW much you long for this. Cause it’s right there in your face, but you have to open your heart and release everything you’ve shut down. 

Now they are tears of release and gratitude. Cause something that heavy lifted from ones shoulders IS a great gift! Denial can be exhausting! Tears can be cleansing!
It happens sometimes in a Blue Moon, that someone will have the fine combination of guts and courage and the equal energetic constellation to get you to listen. And stop. Pause. Reflect. And accept when you are presented with another Soul who spotted something in you, you had kept safely tucked away, wrapped up in brilliant disguise making even Sherlock Holmes impressed, guarded and under rug swept; and then ever so effortlessly, gently and with great love dared to reach out to and poke with such effect, that it reached its goal, you should take good notes!

When that happens; stop running away from it, but turn towards it. There magic happens!

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​© 2020 by Camila Reland

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